


Into the Black

by JuliaMG



Series: Lyricfics from 13RW [1]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Chronic Pain, Depression, Drowning, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hurt Alex, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mentions of Suicide, Monologue, My First Fanfic, My First Work in This Fandom, Oneshot, Panic Attacks, Please Don't Hate Me, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sleep Deprivation, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Sorry Not Sorry, Stomach Ache, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Tagging everything because I don't know what else to do, oh right, probably missed something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-20 17:25:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10667355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuliaMG/pseuds/JuliaMG
Summary: The guilt that Hannah Baker left behind is eating away at Alex Standall, and he is slowly but surely going down in his own spiral of depression. He doesn't want to live anymore, and this story basically picks up in the pool house, not long before we see Standall being reckless with his own life for the first time.This is my first fan fiction (that I've posted), and all feedback is highly appreciated! So please, please take a moment and let me know your thoughts?(I rated it as mature just to be safe. I'm sixteen myself so it feels a little bit weird, but again, I did it just to be on the safe side. Please don't read if you can be triggered by suicidal thoughts, negative thinking or referenced self harm or suicide!)





	Into the Black

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all you beautiful people! 
> 
> This is my first fan fiction that I've ever posted, and I'm very nervous about it tbh. English is not my first language, so there might be some grammatical errors here and there, but I hope it is enjoyable anyways! I also might be using both British English and American Enligh in here, I can't really tell the difference in literature so I just use whatever word that comes to mind. I hope that there will be too many errors... 
> 
> Also, I didn't know exactly how to make additional tags, or how to write a good summary, but I'm happy that you actually clicked this far! I rated it as Mature just to be safe. I'm sixteen myself, but again, I rather be on the safe side as I don't really know the exact ratings of this yet.
> 
> The lyrics in this story actually comes from the scene in the series where this story picks up. The song is called Into The Black and is originally made by Chromatics. I played it on repeat as I wrote this story (which has been for over five hours total; yes, I do go through my stories very carefully before I post them). Please feel free to do the same as you read it. ;)
> 
> (I tried to make the situaiton as correct as possible in comparison to the series. I swear I watched the scenes of Alex in the pool house at least like twenty times. If I made som mayor mistakes anyways, please forgive me? I did my best)
> 
> Fun fact, I actually don't swear in real life, but I like doing it in fiction. Sorry, now I will let you guys read the story, if you haven't gotten bored of me yet.
> 
> Again, please leave a comment and let me know what you think. It would to wonders to my anxious thoughts! Love you all! <3
> 
> WARNING: If you feel as if you can get triggered by reading this story, please do not continue on reading. Hurting people is the last thing I want, so please don't read if you think that this might sadden you! <3

_My my, hey hey_

_Rock'n roll is here to stay_

_It's better to burn out than to fade away_

_My my, hey hey!_

  
It is getting disturbingly hard to breathe inside the crowed pool house, and the noise of everyone in there sends shivers down Alex's spine. His hands are sweaty around the controller as he plays through the game next to Montgomery, who keeps throwing teasing comments at him on how they are losing the game because of Alex. In return Alex shoots back a "fuck you" without so much as a second thought, but there's no real heat behind the words. He just feels tired.

  
His chest feels tight, and his stomach protests painfully in jabbing stabs. He wants to hunch over, protect himself from the waves of pain even though he also knows that it is not going to help. It isn't all that bad, but it is still a consistent ache that won't go away no matter how many pills he downs. 

  
The other guys are loud and clingy, and Alex finds it more than a little hard to concentrate in the busy environment. Zach's leg is somewhere close behind his head as he sits on the backrest of the soft sofa. Alex wants to move away, but he can't bring himself to. The isn't really any other place for him to go either, beacause he certainly doesn't want to move closer to Montgomery. He feels trapped.

Justin and Bryce are shouting something behind their backs, playfully fighting each other, but Alex tries his best to shut them out. Soon Justin is pushed onto the sofa though, so that he nearly lands on Montgomery, who tries to shift away but laughs as if it doesn't really bother him in the slightest. The sofa dips as Montgomery helps Justin back up again, and Alex wants to tell them all to calm the fuck down because he really isn't in the right mood for this, but he can't seem to find his own voice.

  
He feels like they are all suffocating him.

  
He wants to get out, he needs to get out; so he does. He gives up on even trying to take the game seriously, and as soon as it is over, and Montgomery shoves him lightly on the shoulder while commenting on how the game ended, he knows that he has had enough. In one rapid movement he puts the controller away rather forcefully and steps up to his feet, spitting out some witty, half hearted comeback as Zach makes a joke about his shooting skills.

  
He can hear them make some snarky comment about him leaving as he gets closer to the door, but he doesn't bother answering and he doesn't care. Alex just really needs some air, and he knows he won't be able to get it within these crowded walls. The other guys are already beating him to it, sucking all of the air out of the room so that Alex gets none. He is weaker than them, he knows that. He stands no chance against them, and they don't fucking care. The only reason he is here right now is because Justin wants to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't go to the police. They know that he is unstable, but they don't even bother asking him if there's something wrong or if there's something they can do for him; not that he would give them an honest answer or whatever. He doesn't really want them to ask either, he doesn't want to be their friend, not anymore.

  
All they want is to keep him here just so they can save their own skin. Alex hates them. He hates them so fucking much, but he doesn't really have anywhere else to go, and he knows that he should be trying to give them a chance. At least some of them. He also knows that he sort of shouldn't be alone right now. He knows that he is prone to doing something he shouldn't, especially of late; something that could cost him his own life.

  
Alex's chest feels impossibly tight as he struggles to get his emotions under control and lock them away. He can't get enough air into his lungs though, which is not really helping the case, and with sweat breaking out on his forehead he can feel himself panicking slightly, despite the utter calmness inside of him. The walls are closing in, and he just really needs to get out. Bryce and Justin are on the floor by the open door, wrestling each other, and Alex stumbles past them and out into the night, not really bothering to make sure he doesn't step on them or something. At least one of those bastards fucking deserved it; if not the both of them. Alex was too tired and too focused on trying to breathe to really evaluate the situation at hand.

  
He sucks in a long, harsh breath of the chilly air of the night, but it does nothing to calm his raising anxieties. He can feel something building in his chest, something dangerous and threatening. Tears are burning his eyes, and he finds himself gasping for air like a fish on dry land. His muscles feels weak and his limbs feels heavy and his mind feels disconnected. He can feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest, pulse thundering in his ears. He feels like absolute shit. He feels like he is on the verge of a fucking full blown panic attack and there is nothing he can do about it. He can't stop it. He can't stop any of it.

  
Hannah flashes before his eyes, and the guilt is so overwhelming it feels like he is drowning in it. He can't fucking breathe. The guilt is crushing him, slowly sucking the life out of him. It knocks whatever air he has left out of his lungs like a punch. It makes his stomach act out and it hurts. It all just hurts so bad. He hates it. He is terrified. He wants it all to stop. He needs it all to just stop.

  
The night is cold and still young. The sky holds a hint of blue behind the black clouds. The stars are hiding somewhere behind them, and the moon looks tired, its gloomy light barely managing to shine through the darkness of the night.

  
Alex feels so damn lonely, it's driving him insane. He is dizzy, and he doesn't know what he is doing, but he rarely does nowadays. He rarely even sees the meaning of life anymore, which in a way terrifies him, but comforts him in another. He understands Hannah now. He understands why she did what she did, and for that he is grateful. But in the same time, he is terrified, because he doesn't want to end up like an "another Hannah". Sometimes he feels like he should though. Sometimes he feels like that is the only right thing to do, the only way to truly stop the hurting and bring justice to the chaos he caused. He killed her. He killed Hannah. She didn't deserve what she got, but Alex sure as hell felt like he did.

  
He is just so fucking tired, and he still can't breathe, anxiety bubbling in his chest like a butterfly flapping its wings, desperate to get out and fly away. It is trapped. Alex feels trapped; trapped in himself, in this world. He needs to get out.

  
Hannah talked about the butterfly effect in his tape. He briefly wonders if she knew how fucked up he would become after hearing her voice again. He wonders if she knew that by opening up about her reasons, she would be passing her suicidal thoughts onto him; not that they hadn't been there before.

  
The inner turmoil barely shows on his face as he feels his knees steadily growing weaker and his head becomes even lighter. He just stands there, on the lawn, staring straight into the night but seeing nothing. He is trapped in his own mind, and Hannah is there, Hannah's voice calls him in his head, telling him that he killed her.

  
He can feel himself sway dangerously, and before he knows it, it feels like some invisible force crashes into him; something strangely hard and crushing, yet completely calm and steady. He realizes something, and he closes his eyes.

  
He simply gives up.

  
_Out of the blue into the black_

_I give you this, but you pay for that_

_Once you're gone, you can't never come back_

_When you're out of the blue, into the black!_

  
The water hits him hard as he collapses and falls from the edge of the pool into the darkness. It swallows him into the deep, and he sinks further down without any attempts at breaking free from the cold, icy grip the water has on him. Instead, he just allows himself to sink even further, watching as the lights above ground turns into blurry balls of yellow and white from underneath the moving surface of the eerie water.

  
He doesn't move. He doesn't want to, nor does he have the energy to. He wants out. He wants it all to fucking end. The tapes, the nightmares, the sound of Hannah's voice in his head, the stomach pains, the bone crushing guilt, the helplessness and the bitter taste on his tongue every time someone mentions his future like he is ever is going to have one; like he deserves one after he took Hannah's away from her.

  
He just wants it all to stop. He doesn't want to be here anymore.

  
In truth, he has no idea what he is doing, mind fuzzy and numb, feeling disconnected, but he doesn't care. Somewhere in the back of his head he knows that he should have resurfaced by now. He knows that he is running out of oxygen, but again, he doesn't really care.

  
He feels at peace. The silence is deafening, and he loves it. He is left alone with nothing but his own sluggish thoughts running impossibly slow inside his skull, and despite the fact that they haven't been the best company of late, they are better than most. They are better than the other guys' loud voices and boisterous personalities that makes him question why he ever wanted to be their friend, despite already knowing that he was nothing to them and never would be. Was he so fucking desperate to find something more, was he really so naive, that he just couldn't see it, couldn't see how it destroyed his relationship to Hannah and Jessica, couldn't see how it destroyed him, or maybe he just didn't want to see it?

  
Now Hannah was paying the price for his mistakes.

  
His thoughts are also better than Clay's annoying questions about the tapes that he for some reason won't just fucking listen to in one night like Alex had, and those questions constantly reminds him of Hannah and what they did to her, what he did to her. His thoughts are better than Jessica's distant looks of concern as his stomach rebels in pain, and better than her half hearted attempts of making sure that he is okay, even when she knows that he is not, and even when he knows deep down that he should be the one asking her those questions. He knows that he has failed them both, and he hates himself for that. He can't stop the guilt from eating away at him every time he thinks about both of his "females", or when he thinks about how he failed to save them from the fucking idiots he still spends time with. Hannah is dead, and Jessica is slowly deteriorating, and he hates it. He hates it all. He hates himself, so fucking much.

  
The silence of the water gives him solitude, but not the lonely kind of solitude, no, it makes him feel safe. It makes him feel like nothing can ever touch him, like he is invincible. He feels like nothing can ever hurt him ever again. It makes him feel like he can't ever hurt anyone ever again.

  
He feels at peace.

  
Alex feels calm, and soothed, and warm. Heck, he hasn't felt warm in a very long time, and he misses that feeling. He is always cold nowadays; so, so fucking cold. Not right now though. Right now he is warm, and he drinks in the feeling with his eyes wide open, trying his best not to miss a second of every moment that passes agonizingly slow.

  
He blinks sluggishly into the dark water and wonders whether or not he should stay down here forever.

  
He loves the water, he reasons. Maybe he was born just to die down here. It sure as hell feels like it. He sort of wishes that he can stay here forever, that no one will notice him missing and that no one will bother jumping in to save him. He doesn't want to be saved, and he doesn't think they actually would go in to drag him out. He doesn't want to get up again. He doesn't want to die, but he doesn't want to hurt either.

  
Alex is tired as hell. He can feel his eyes slipping shut. He wants to go to sleep, and he wants to drift away, in both mind and soul, forever. He never wants to wake up ever again.

  
_The king is gone but he's not forgotten_

_This is the story of Johnny Rotten_

_It's better to burn out than it is to rust_

_The king is gone but he's not forgotten_

  
Survival instincts kicks in all of a sudden, and with a pang Alex truly realizes that he is a good feet under the water without any air at all left in his lungs, and everything comes back to him. He realizes what is happening, what he is doing, and how much of an idiot he is. He realizes that he is actually fucking drowning.

  
The guys are rolling around in the grass only a few feet away. He cannot seriously be drowning in a pool that belongs to Bryce of all people. He didn't even plan this, he should have planned this, he can't just leave, not without giving his father or his brother or even fucking Jessica an explanation, or an apology. Panic kicks in along with adrenaline, blood pumping through his veins harshly and painfully fast despite the low amount of oxygen that's left in his system still.

  
The bliss is over as soon as the survival instincts crushes the peace and the quiet, and a burning erupts in his chest as his lungs constricts, desperate and greedy for fresh air. His head feels like it is about to explode, and the pain is all too much all of a sudden. He clenches his eyes shut, opening his mouth, muscles in his throat working in a desperate attempt at finding oxygen where there is none.

  
He knows that he needs to get out of the water, right fucking now, or else he will be truly drowning, and after a mere second of his mind evaluating his options, he pushes himself towards the surface with all he's got.

  
As he resurface, he can feel the cold air hit his face like a kiss of beautiful, sweet oxygen. He gasps for air like a fish, blinking sluggishly into the night. He is tired, exhausted more likely, and his muscles are still burning. He floats around in the water, breathing in the air of the night.

  
The sky has darkened now. Some of the stars are out, staring down at him. He blinks back up at them, arms and legs spread out in the water, too tired to do anything but just float there. His head feels like it has been filled with cotton. It is extremely difficult to think clearly, much less accurately, but he doesn't actually care all that much. To be honest, he doesn't care at all. He just floats there, without a single care in the world.

  
He finds himself pondering on how Hannah ended it all. She took a razor and slit her wrists, as far as Alex was concerned. He wondered how that would work out for him. Sharp objects weren't really his thing, but apparently, so wasn't water. Drowning himself might not be on his top list of ways on how to kill himself; especially not in Bryce's pool. He wouldn't do that. It would feel like a betrayal to both Jessica and himself, not that he could really figure out why.

  
At least now he knows for sure that it doesn't work.

  
Drowning feels like shit, at least in the beginning - in the beginning of the end, that is. Alex is pretty sure he wants it all to end fairly quickly. That would give him less time to think, less time to make room for regrets.

  
Driving his car into a wall or off a cliff was still an option. So was his dad's gun.

  
_Hey hey, my my_

_Rock and roll can never diese_

_There's more to the picture_

_Than meets the eye_

  
Maybe next time. 

 

_Hey hey, my my_

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please, please, if you made it this far, please leave a comment and let me know what you think! It doesn't need to be an essay, just a few words would truly mean the world to me!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading. <3
> 
> Love, Julia


End file.
